It calls to me in a quiet, persuasive voice. It pulls and gently tugs at something deep within my soul. I’m so in tune to it, I feel it’s slightest movement. Many times, I have stepped up to the threshold to wistfully peer through the doorway. But always, I fail to step through, into the world I wanna live in.
I keep asking myself “why?” What am I afraid of? Why do I hold back from making the move?
Sometimes, I almost wonder if my soul belong to another woman, someone who lived 100+ years ago. She was given mine, and somehow, I got hers. As a result, neither of us fit with the times we were born into.
But then the fleeting fancy passes and I realize that this yearning doesn’t belong to any particular people group or time in history. It’s something that transcends time, that is deeply ingrained into humanity.
This life I crave is normal. In fact, it’s probably the way it was meant to be, in a perfect, ideal world.
Yes, the undercurrent certainly has been strong these past weeks!
I want simplicity. Peace and quiet. A home where people have time for one another, to fully savor the life they share, uninterrupted by wonders of the digital age we live in.
I want to live in a world where down time is acceptable, to live under a roof where having ‘nothing to do’ leads to talk and creative times of connection.
I want to live in a way that gives me enough stillness to find my own thoughts, to recognize my own feelings and process this life I’ve been given to live.
I want a life that has enough quiet in it that I feel the need to connect with other human beings, instead of allowing the constant noise of the internet to deaden the need and limit my interactions.
Sometimes, I wonder at myself. Why do I hang onto something when I’m not convinced it actually betters my life?
Is it because of this blog and you, my reader? Or is it because this is now part of my culture and I need to learn how to live with it? To teach future children how to manage it well? Does it have something to do with the billions of dollars online companies put into making their platforms, addictive?
There are days when everything in me wants to rip our modem out of the wall, to call the internet company to come take back their goods. Because I only have one life to live and I want to make sure I’m living it well.
How does a girl do that, with the constant distractions, the tug of war that exists in this digital age? Back and forth, I tussle with reality. I know what I want.
And what I want to know is can I have it, if I allow screens and high speed internet in my home?
I think back to my childhood and early teen years, before wi-fi arrived in my quiet little world. There was something so precious about fully living in the moment, without distractions! Something special about being bored and the funny, crazy, wonderful memories that came as a result of our boredom.
I think of the 11? 12? months my man and I spent building the Mountain Cottage. A teeny bit of data on a phone, we had to climb on the roof of our tiny home to get service. I can truthfully say our exposure to internet was limited!
We both noticed our sense of connection and nearness to one another, deepened. We were good friends, but in that time, we became even better friends.
And I told him…“I don’t wanna go back, because I LOVE life without internet. I feel whole. More alive. Undistracted. It seems that you and I live a better life when we don’t have access to the online world.”
And like a dog returning to it’s vomit, here I am. The waves from the wi-fi router sweep through our home. Once again, I find myself asking…is it worth the price we pay?
I’m not talking about the monthly fee we give out for this service. I refer to something we can’t buy more of.
Time. Connection. Deeper relationships. Quietness that refreshes the soul. Stillness that gives room for contemplation. Boredom that leads you to create wonderful memories.
I wrestle long and hard with myself. Something deep inside of me yearns for what lies through that door. But my feet just won’t step over the threshold. And once again I wonder.
When I’m 80 years old, will I wish I HAD fully heeded this tugging on my heartstrings? Will I wish I HAD thrown it all to the wind and did whatever it took to more fully live in the moment?
It’s a question that haunts me. Often.
I don’t want to live with regrets. Or worse yet, live my life totally unaware that there was something better for me. For us. For our home.
Will I? Or won’t I?